Scar

I have a stupid scar on my finger.

It’s barely noticeable, it’s tiny and old, but I always feel it. It’s my physical reminder of how hesitating can hurt more than not.

I was never a capricious person. I’d say I’m often calculated and renounce impulsivity, plagued with anxiety as I am. So, it’s no surprise that I don’t deal so well when instant reactions are required. What do you do with good reflection, but no solid instincts?

I really do try to not second guess myself. I usually regret not doing things more often than I regret doing them, so I try to consciously tell myself to trust my instincts, which isn’t very inherently instinctual, but that’s besides the point.

I was barely a teen, sitting in the kitchen, using my laptop. My sister suddenly showed up looking for something, and started pulling things from the top of the cabinets above me. She must’ve pulled a box, that pulled a paper, that had this small nail plier on top. Of course, everything fell.

In the likely two seconds that the entire situation took, many thoughts of varying importance flashed in my mind:

Is that a nail clipper?

What is a nail clipper doing on top of the cabinet? Ew, it’s probably dirty.

This thing is falling, I should catch it!

The heavier part is also the sharpest part. It’ll be pointing down. It’ll hurt my hand. Pull hand back now! Just don’t move.

Wait, but it’ll break. I shouldn’t let it break. Catch it!

But the plier has a sharp point— Ah. Ouch.

And just like that, it was over. My sister was looking at me, dumbfounded for a second, judgmental the next. From her perspective, I saw a sharp object falling, extended my hand to catch it, pulled my hand back, then extended it again, and got hurt, because of course I did. It nicked me on my ring finger. It was bleeding. She looked at me like I’m a fool. Then, she said,

“You’re an idiot.”

What’s that one saying? Once bitten, twice shy? The lesson I should’ve learned is that double-guessing yourself isn’t good. And I did learn that, in theory. But really, that just makes me hesitant to double-guess myself, which is just another step getting in the way of an immediate reaction. I completely lost sense of what’s my actual instinct, what is my logic trying to do, what is stupid hesitation and what is trying to be safe. I try to be a person of initiative. I try to shape my mind to instinctively recognize the best reaction. But could such a thing be really considered instinct? Will I hesitate too much when it matters the most? Will I self-sabotage, or die by inaction? An anxious mind indeed.

I don’t know what lesson I actually did learn by getting this nick on my finger. But whenever I think of it, I do know.

I’m a bit of an idiot.

Not a great place to start when learning to trust yourself more…